The Art of Perfection, or Really, Imperfection...

Today I realized something. It is more important to instill principles in my girls in positive ways than try and expect perfection and then put off doing it myself.

As the sun was streaming through the window of our screened door on this beautiful spring day, I was able to see all the greasy fingerprints that the girls have left over the last several months. I made up my mind that I was going to get every last smudge off and have a beautiful door, at least for a little while. I got out my homemade window cleaner (ammonia, water, and lemon juice) and a coffee filter and set to work. As I scrubbed, instead of looking at the smudges, I looked beyond them to two curious faces smiling back on the other side of the door.

"Whatcha doin', Momma?" Sommer asked inquisitively.

"Cleaning the door. You've guys put lots and lots of fingerprints on the doors!"

Sommer squinted in anticipation as I sprayed the glass, then was surprised when the stream didn't hit her face. "Can I help you?" she asked.

I sighed. "Sure. That's fine. Just let Momma finish this side, okay?"

Sommer nodded and waited eagerly. As I finished up the inside, I could see streaks coming through, and tried to get them, but decided I would wait until I did the other side then go back over it one more time once I was done. I handed Sommer and Harmony both a paper towel and sprayed the windows. Sommer was fascinated by the spray bottle and quickly dropped her paper towel to grab it and spray it herself. Slowly, methodically, she sprayed the places that she deemed dirty. A single spot on the door. A bird dropping on the house. The wooden porch rungs.

Harmony, on the other hand, was getting into wiping the windows. Feverishly, she scrubbed the windows just like she had seen her Momma doing. To be honest, she was doing a pretty good job at cleaning the windows!

We moved on to the door itself, where there was evidence of a million times of going back and forth through the door with dirt filled hands. As Sommer sprayed, Harmony wiped, and the door actually came clean without much intervention from me. That's when I realized that it didn't matter what kind of agenda I had, what was more important was teaching the girls how to do this for themselves and enjoy doing it!

Isn't this how God sees us sometimes? Of course, being God, He could always just swoop in and do everything for us, but then He would not get the pleasure of seeing His children delight in the work of their hands.

In the end, there were definitely streaks all over the place, but the windows looked a million times better than they did and we were all able to reap a great reward from cleaning together!

A Mary Heart in a Martha World

Everyone talks about the fact that we should have a Mary Heart in a Martha World. There are whole books dedicated to the subject. I was just reading last night in Luke 10 the account that brings tears to my eyes when I read it:

38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him as a guest.39 She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to what he said.40 But Martha was distracted with all the preparations she had to make, so she came up to him and said, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do all the work alone? Tell her to help me.”41 But the Lords answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things,42 but one things is needed. Mary has chosen the best part; it will not be taken away from her.”

I feel like all my life, verse 40 has been plaguing me, taunting me, shaming me into what I should be doing. When I read it, what I see is that we are not supposed to be so busy with life that we miss out on what Jesus has to say. We need to sit at the Master's feet and drink in what He has to say. And yet, society tells us that those kind of people are lazy.

I know that the Bible also talks about getting your house in order and the importance of redeeming your time and things to that effect. I know that it is good to have a clean house where you can welcome people over at any time and not feel ashamed. I also know that I have a really hard time keeping the entire house spotless at all times. I have tried and failed more times than I can even begin to say. I honestly don't know where to start.

Tim talked to Brian about finding someone for me to be accountable to. Someone who will help me keep the house clean and will check in on me to make sure it's happening. The problem with that is, when I have tried to do that in the past, I have lost friendships as a result. People who are born organized do not understand nor have a heart for people who cannot get it.

Now I know that this is not universally true. I know that there are people who have a heart for helping people get organized and make huge livings out of it. To be honest, I really enjoy getting organized. I love the whole process of starting out with a really messy slate and making an area look amazing once I'm done. It's the maintenance part that I am not so good with.

I guess, more than anything, that is my problem. I don't know how to train my brain to keep up with the maintenance. Kind of like in my garden. I absolutely love the whole process of ripping up grass, planting something beautiful, and watching it grow. What I do not necessarily like is pulling weeds and watering it when it is hot outside and I have no energy. So, by the end of the summer, my garden is usually a mess of weeds and overgrown vegetation with lots of food going to waste. Then, the next year, I'm all psyched up again and try to do it again.

It's not like I want to live this way. It's not like I enjoy looking around me and seeing a mess. I just don't know any other way to live. I know that I need help, but I don't know how to ask. I don't want to be judged. I don't want people to be grossed out. I don't want people to stop coming over because they see how I really live. All these things have happened in the past, and I'm not ready to have my heart stomped on again anytime soon.

To be honest, the house isn't that bad. It's really not. It actually looks amazing. Brian has been helping me with it, and the things that he doesn't help me with, I have under control. The basement still needs to be gone through, but that, I feel, is sometimes a never-ending battle and I really need Brian's help to complete it. That's something that he is not ready to do anytime soon, either, so it will probably sit for another several months, at least.

And I am trying. I am trying so hard to embrace what Jason said. It's just that his harsh and abrasive words cut deep to the deepest insecurities that I can't face right now. It's like a festering wound that he stabbed just to see if he could get it to be better, but in reality, he just scratched the surface enough to allow a fresh infection of guilt and shame to get in.

I miss England

So, for the last two weeks, my husband and I have been in England. We went over because Brian had a wedding that he shot, but it was so much more than just a working vacation. It didn't even feel like we went there for a wedding. That part of it went so fast and seemed so insignificant in the light of everything else that we did.

Not that it was a bad wedding, not that he didn't get lots of good shots, it's just that last time we were there we were so close to Simon and Lottie that it really was about the wedding, and then we went home right afterward, whereas this time, we had a week before and a week after to just enjoy ourselves and meet new people and see new places. It was absolutely amazing! We went to London, Dorking, Cardiff, Taunton, Exeter, Wellington, Lynton and Lynmouth, the Quintox, Hawk something Reservoir, and Bath. It truly was an amazing experience!

I miss my girls, though. They've been in Atlanta for the last 2 weeks. I really miss them. I'm going to go get them in just a few minutes. Did I mention that I miss them? Harmony is saying words and Sommer is fully potty trained. They are growing up so fast, and I feel like I'm missing it. Soon I will see them, though. I'm pumping right now, hoping to get my milk back up from where I let it get down so that we could go out during the day and not have to worry about lugging the pump around. Hopefully that helps.

I need to unpack so badly. I did the laundry that was left over. I was hoping to unpack and put away the dirty clothes, but I walked to Starbucks instead. That was good, though. I'm glad that I did it. I feel like I needed the exercise and I needed the time to just think and dream and pray. So much of my mind is still on England. I'm trying really hard not to fall into the trap of trying to go back. It was a great trip. We made so many friends. But now we're back here. We're where God has us right now. I need to be content. God will provide everything that we need.

¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

--Philippians 4:12-13

An Almost-Emergency

Today, Brian decided to try and clean his sensor on his camera. He went to the local camera store and bought a $30 kit that is supposed to help clean dust off of his sensor. Keep in mind that his Canon 5D is a $1500 minimum camera, and that the sensor is 90% of the cost. He went in to clean it and somehow, it was dirtier after he cleaned it than before. So, he tried to clean it again, and still, there was that same spot on the camera.

Most places recommend that you get the sensor professionally cleaned considering how expensive the sensor is. However, to have both of his cameras cleaned, it would cost about $130 not including the gas to drive an hour in traffic to the only camera store around that does it. He spent the next 30 minutes yelling and screaming and throwing things because he had just ruined his camera, and said that he was going to just sell all of his equipment and just quit the business and be done with it all.

This, of course, was all for naught, as I asked if I could take a look at it. He showed me where the dust or "scratch" was. I opened the camera up and could see the place that he was talking about on his sensor. Carefully I took the swab out, put the cleaning solution on it, and swabbed the sensor, pressing hard enough to clean it but not so hard as to scratch it. Diligently I worked, swishing, swabbing, over and over again, turning it around in the light to see if I had missed a spot. When I was content with it, I handed it over to Brian to have him test it. He went outside, took a picture of the sky (that's how you can see the dust), and then gave me a hug. He just hadn't tried hard enough and was freaking out for nothing.

The moral of the story? Don't ever write something off until you've had someone else take a look at it. You might just be surprised at what they could find!

Beginnings

So, I know it sounds funny, but I have been looking online for a job that I can have as a stay at home mom. Not that I really need a job. I mean, of course it would be nice to have extra money, and the goal is eventually to let my husband focus solely on his photography business, but at the same time, right now, we're okay financially. I guess, in some ways, it's just a way for me to have an outlet besides wiping bottoms and noses. In fact, I really do enjoy my job as a stay at home mom. It's really quite fulfilling.

For instance, Sommer, my daughter, will be turning two in less than a week. It's beautiful to see her open up and blossom. Her language, as rudimentary as it is, has exploded the last few weeks. Of course, everything sounds the same, but the fact is, I know that she's actively trying to use words, and more than that, she completely understands most of what I'm saying. It's crazy! I'll be having a conversation with my mom, telling her a story of something that happened, and Sommer will chime in with her own two cents, making sure I know that she understands what I'm saying. "Elbow?" she asks, pointing to her owie that she got from climbing on the dishwasher while I was downstairs folding laundry. "Yes, you're right. You got an owie because you were climbing where you shouldn't be, huh? Be careful next time, okay?"

Or take Harmony, for example. She's an amazing 9 month old that has a smile that would melt the coldest heart. She's pulling up and has started using words with purpose, like, "Mama" and "Dada" and "Numnum" and "Hey." It's so awesome! She won't go anywhere without her pink blankie, especially not to sleep. I try to wash it every week or every other week, depending on how dirty it gets. It doesn't always happen, but hey, that's what I try to do.

I feel like so much of my time is spent watching Blues Clues or wiping noses or cleaning up messes that my daughters have made. I feel like in so many ways, much of what my job is, I'm not very good at. I mean, if my job is to stay at home with the girls and clean the house, I must not be doing a good job because the house is always messy. Life just happens when you have two girls that are so close together. Messes happen, and I think way too much about it to get the house cleaned in a timely manner.

I wish in some ways, I was like those moms who seem to have it all together, whose houses are spotless and whose kids always look perfect, who have a wonderfully stocked diaper bag ready for any dilemma that might come their way (although it never does). Instead, I have goldfish scattered across the floor from where Sommer was trying to feed them to Harmony when she was getting fussy from being tired. Sommer peed in her pants today on our first attempt to go out in public without a diaper or at least a pullup on. And, of course, we didn't even bring a diaper bag in, so she walked around Target with a wet bottom. I just pretended not to notice until I put her on my shoulders and realized how gross it was to have pee peed pants on my shoulders.

Anyway, as far as looking for a job is concerned, some of the posts that I have read have talked about being a professional blogger, or getting paid to write. I honestly do love to write and have for many years. When I was a teenager imagining what I was going to do when I grew up, writing was always one of the things in the back of my mind. So was acting, but I could never remember my lines. I am so out of practice, though, hence the reason why I thought I'd start here. No one I know can see this unless they randomly search for my name. So, in many ways, I'm safe in here. I'm safe to perfect my style. I'm safe to make mistakes. I'm safe to imagine and dream. I'm safe to write what I'm feeling today. I'm safe to rant and rave. It'll be fun. We'll see what happens from this. Enjoy!