38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him as a guest.39 She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to what he said.40 But Martha was distracted with all the preparations she had to make, so she came up to him and said, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do all the work alone? Tell her to help me.”41 But the Lords answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things,42 but one things is needed. Mary has chosen the best part; it will not be taken away from her.”
I know that the Bible also talks about getting your house in order and the importance of redeeming your time and things to that effect. I know that it is good to have a clean house where you can welcome people over at any time and not feel ashamed. I also know that I have a really hard time keeping the entire house spotless at all times. I have tried and failed more times than I can even begin to say. I honestly don't know where to start.
Tim talked to Brian about finding someone for me to be accountable to. Someone who will help me keep the house clean and will check in on me to make sure it's happening. The problem with that is, when I have tried to do that in the past, I have lost friendships as a result. People who are born organized do not understand nor have a heart for people who cannot get it.
Now I know that this is not universally true. I know that there are people who have a heart for helping people get organized and make huge livings out of it. To be honest, I really enjoy getting organized. I love the whole process of starting out with a really messy slate and making an area look amazing once I'm done. It's the maintenance part that I am not so good with.
I guess, more than anything, that is my problem. I don't know how to train my brain to keep up with the maintenance. Kind of like in my garden. I absolutely love the whole process of ripping up grass, planting something beautiful, and watching it grow. What I do not necessarily like is pulling weeds and watering it when it is hot outside and I have no energy. So, by the end of the summer, my garden is usually a mess of weeds and overgrown vegetation with lots of food going to waste. Then, the next year, I'm all psyched up again and try to do it again.
It's not like I want to live this way. It's not like I enjoy looking around me and seeing a mess. I just don't know any other way to live. I know that I need help, but I don't know how to ask. I don't want to be judged. I don't want people to be grossed out. I don't want people to stop coming over because they see how I really live. All these things have happened in the past, and I'm not ready to have my heart stomped on again anytime soon.
To be honest, the house isn't that bad. It's really not. It actually looks amazing. Brian has been helping me with it, and the things that he doesn't help me with, I have under control. The basement still needs to be gone through, but that, I feel, is sometimes a never-ending battle and I really need Brian's help to complete it. That's something that he is not ready to do anytime soon, either, so it will probably sit for another several months, at least.
And I am trying. I am trying so hard to embrace what Jason said. It's just that his harsh and abrasive words cut deep to the deepest insecurities that I can't face right now. It's like a festering wound that he stabbed just to see if he could get it to be better, but in reality, he just scratched the surface enough to allow a fresh infection of guilt and shame to get in.
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